


So Messed Up

by amandatothemoon



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Dark, Gen, Overdose, Self Harm, Suicide, seriously messed up shit, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 03:03:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2134695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandatothemoon/pseuds/amandatothemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Michael's away, Lindsay comes to terms with her dark and twisted ways, forcing her to take drastic measures against herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bathroom Floor

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is really dark and creepy and stuff. I haven't specified what's wrong with Lindsay, but let's just say she has a lot of deeply rooted despair in her life that doesn't always go away. I guess you could say it's sort of similar to depression but let's not label it.

“Please, please…” Her shaking hands clutched the phone as the dull ringing buzzed in her ear.  
The number you have reached is currently unavailable. Please try again later. The animatronic voice informed her. She shook her head back and forth as she punched in his number again. Listening to the answering machine again, she found herself too weary to wonder why his phone was off.  
Lindsay had been in this position before. Scared, bloodied, sitting on the bathroom floor without the strength to do much more than shove more pills down her throat, washing them down with tequila that burned, especially as it ran down her arms. Littered with scratches, bruises, bite marks and even cuts, they only proved as a reminder to her of how crazy she really was.  
He promised he’d be there for her. He told her she’d never face this alone. These thoughts played in her head as her throat stung with alcohol and pain from screaming.  
It had been a year and a half since Lindsay ended up like this. She kept herself occupied at all times, never letting herself fully feel the pain, and when Michael told her he could get her another ticket, or maybe even stay home instead of going to Chicago, she assured him she could handle it. Ready to finally spend an extended period of time proving to herself that she was just fine on her own, she told him to go and enjoy himself.   
When that too-familiar feeling of despair began to grow within her, though, she tried to ignore it. Not wanting to worry her husband into coming home when he should be having a good time, she didn’t let on that her feelings were piling heavy onto her shoulders and she’d skipped work for the past three days, lying to Kara over the phone about serious stomach pains.   
Not that they were really lies. Her whole body ached and no matter how many painkillers she took, they were all too mild. By the time she decided to tell Michael, she was sitting on the cold floor in the bathroom of their beautiful new house with the door locked even though nobody was home, surrounded by blood and vomit and broken glass. She’d been drinking and taking whatever pills she happened to find in the cabinets, from ibuprofen to prescribed sleep aid for Michael from a year ago. She’d overdosed and thrown up blood and a multitude of pills, only to start swallowing them down again.   
Lindsay no longer had the desire to keep herself safe. She knew Michael could never love someone as demented as she was, but she couldn’t change herself, this was simply how she was. Upon this realization, the girl allowed herself to finally destroy the person she was, because she’d never be the person she wished she could be.   
She’d been biting and clawing the skin on her arms, desperate to hurt herself in some way, already guilty that she’d cut herself the day before. She promised Michael that she wouldn’t do it again. She smashed the mirror and several bottles she’d already downed, and could barely move over without getting glass stuck in her hands and knees, but she could barely feel the pain.   
“I’m a mess!” She screamed. “I’m a fucking mess!”  
Picking up a particularly large shard from the mirror, she smiled. She was no longer herself, and as she gazed at her reflection she didn’t recognize the girl staring back at her. It didn’t matter to Lindsay, as she found the girl in the mirror to be sick and twisted, and wanted her to die.  
“I’m a fucking mess…” She sobbed, before smiling once again. Her bloodshot eyes squeezed shut as she plunged the shard into her stomach. This made her gasp, and her breathing became labored as her extremities started to feel numb and cold.   
She could swear she heard Michael’s voice as she lost consciousness, calling her name. But it got quieter and quieter with every passing second.


	2. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsay awakes to find herself in the hospital, but things are far from back to normal. She refuses to make a promise she can't keep.

The bright whiteness of the room caused Lindsay to shut her eyes immediately after opening them. She squinted and reached to rub her eyes, but another hand moved over hers and held it down.  
“Be careful.”  
“What… why?” She mumbled, her voice squeaking and cracking due to her dry throat. Finally opening her eyes fully, she saw an I.V. in her arm as well as a couple other tubes she didn’t recognize. The sight of them made her angry, and she immediately yanked the first tube out. The person next to her bed began to panic.  
“Lindsay, don’t- No, stop!” He said frantically as she ripped anything attached to her body off. He tried to stop her, but there wasn’t much he could do she jerked out of his grip and pulled anything she could get her hands on, whimpering in pain for a few. The heart monitor emitted a loud beep which sent nurses running into the room.  
“Sir, you’ll have to leave.” One said to him, and he was ushered out as Lindsay’s vision grew hazy again. She swatted at a few of the nurses but eventually lost consciousness once more.  
She awoke not knowing how much time had passed, but she still found herself upset to see these fucking tubes had been reattached. Determined not to let them win, she moved to pull out the tubes once more, only to find that her wrists had been tied down.  
“You can’t pull your tubes out, Lindsay. They’ve restrained you now.” The voice gently explained. She turned to see Ryan sitting next to her, looking concerned.  
“Why are you here?”  
“Because the office was worried. I came to check on you, and…” He stopped short. “Lindsay, why?”  
“Why what?”  
“You know what. How could you- I mean…”  
“Look, it was stupid, I’ll give you that. But I don’t regret it. And I would have been happy if you’d left me there to fucking die.”  
“If it was me, would you have left me to die?” He asked, and was met with silence.  
“That’s different” She said after a while. “You’re not crazy.”  
“I’m the Mad King.” He tried to joke, but his face dropped again.  
“That’s a bit you guys play for the videos. You’re not truly messed up. You… you don’t know what it feels like to be so driven over the edge by your own crazy thoughts that you can’t live with yourself anymore.” Her throat became tight and tears formed in her eyes, which Ryan wiped when they rolled down her cheeks.   
“Why did you tell Michael to go away if you couldn’t handle being alone?”  
“I thought I could.”  
“Why didn’t you call someone?”  
“I did.”  
The man heaved a sigh and looked at her with sadness in his eyes. Lindsay was one of his best friends, and seeing her like this broke his heart. He loved her like a little sister, which is why he wasted no time picking her up, ignoring the vomit and blood that had stained his shirt, placing her in the backseat of his car, and driving like mad to the hospital, getting pulled over as a result, but once the officer saw why Ryan was in a hurry, he offered to escort them to the hospital.  
“Where is everyone else? Do they know?”  
“Geoff, Jack and Ray are putting a new door on the bathroom and cleaning up. Everyone else is at work and Burnie’s waiting at the airport. Michael’s flight should be landing right about now.”  
“The door?”  
“Um, yeah.” He said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “You locked yourself in the bathroom, I broke the door down.”  
“If Michael’s back, I must have been out for like… four days…” She realized, but Ryan put his hand on hers again.  
“No, he flew in the same night I found you. That’s why his phone was off. His connecting flight was delayed, so that’s why he’s not here now. We haven’t told him everything yet, Geoff didn’t want to overwhelm him before he got back, he was already nervous as is. We just told him you… had an episode, that’s worried him enough.”  
Lindsay glanced at her arms. He was going to be so disappointed in her.   
“Rip these tubes out.” She ordered, a sense of urgency in her voice. “Now.”  
“Lindsay, you know I’m not going to do that.”  
“I’ll figure out how to do it myself! So help me god Ryan, take the tubes out!”  
“Linds, you’re hysterical.”  
The girl didn’t listen as she managed to snag the I.V. with her teeth and pulled. Ryan stopped her, and moved all the tubes and cords away. She cried out in frustration.  
“Why are you doing this?”  
“Because, they’re keeping me alive!” She sobbed, still trying anything to free herself from the restraints and cut off all of her life support.  
“We’re all trying to keep you alive.” His intense stare forced her to stop and lock eyes with him.  
“You can all stop now.” Tears slid down her cheeks as she tried to keep her voice even. Ryan went to wipe them away, but she tried to move her head. Eventually she gave up, and let Ryan stroke her cheek, a sad look on his face.  
There was a commotion as Michael burst in, and Lindsay sprung to life once again upon seeing him. He rushed over to her.  
“Linds, baby, I never should have left you…” He apologized, voice tight as he held her face with both hands and stared into her eyes. “I love you so much, we’re going to get better.” He sniffled, a few stray tears rolling.  
“I’m sorry…” She told him, and he nodded.  
“I know, but you’re okay now. This whole thing is gonna be fine.”  
“No, I’m not sorry that I did it,” she spoke in her weak voice, prompting the two men to look at her in shock. “I’m sorry I hurt you, and made you upset. I’m still going to die.”  
“Lindsay, how could you say something like that? You’ve never… I mean…” Her husband was at a loss for words. “You… you don’t really want to die, I know it. Please, you were just feeling alone, and that was my fault, please, please don’t…” He whimpered, clutching her hand.  
“Michael, I’m crazy. They’ve strapped me down, saved my life and yet they don’t care about me. Because if they did, I wouldn’t be feeling anything right now. I wouldn’t be thinking, I wouldn’t be talking, I wouldn’t be breathing. Look, I know you all want to save my life or whatever, but if you really want to save me, you need to let me go. I’m going to get ‘better’, I’m going to get out of this place and I’m going to walk straight into oncoming traffic. Everyone is thinking about themselves instead of what I want. I want to be free from this fucking body and these thoughts and this feeling I get whenever I’m alone. We can’t be together forever.”  
Michael and Ryan locked eyes as the realization of just how badly Lindsay wanted her life to end hit them like a ton of bricks. Ryan excused himself, allowing the couple to talk.  
“Lindsay, I know this isn’t really what you want,” He pleaded. “You’ve been like this before. The treatment was hell. On all of us, but… But I’m willing to do it all again for you. Please, give it a chance. The medication, doctors’ visits, therapy, I’ll take care of everything, because I need you in my life, and I know this selfish, just like you said, but I can’t live without you. You’re my everything.”  
She felt the tears begin to sting her eyes again. She’d been crying too much lately.  
“I’ll try.” She whispered. It was the hardest thing she’d done. “But if it doesn’t work, You’ll be sorry. I mean it. I’ll give it a fair shot, because I love you, and because I need you just like you need me. I understand how you’d feel if I was gone, because I feel the same way all the time. I can’t promise you I’ll never try again…” She looked at her arms, feeling guilty “Because that’s a promise I’m not sure I can keep, but I can promise I’ll try.”  
“I love you,” he reminded her, rubbing his hands gently over her arms.  
“I love you too.”


End file.
